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For the better part of a decade people have been telling me about this fantastic hippy island full of charm, mystique, freedom, and wonder.
That sounds pretty damn cool, but I didn’t actually get out there until 2025. Is it too late too see the authentic culture? Well, lets see.
Note: This is my honest and judgemental take on the island and people who inhabit/visit it. It is not cacao-coated or sensitive at all!
Table of Contents
What Ko Pha Ngan was
Derelict sand-roads with minimal access without a car in sight. The OG hippies came out here decades back, evading the political strangeness of 70’s & 80’s America; Nixon, Vietnam war, nuclear war crises, Manson cults, etc.
In fact, that’s kind of what still draws people in these days – escaping wars, political oddities, and discontent with the status quo. They came and come to practice their version of reality – whatever that may be.
Before the smartphone and even the internet, the only way someone heard about Koh Phangan was from a friend of a friend – probably someone who defected from their outpost near Hanoi to go somewhere peaceful to smoke opium and deal with their wartime traumas of degraded, dismembered bodies and chemical weapon attacks.
Now, most people find out about Koh Phangan through Instafluencers or a Top 10 Places to Visit in Thailand list, dejecting from their modern 1 bedroom apartment to find somewhere peaceful to drink hot chocolate and deal with their childhood traumas of being graded by exams and gym class.
Koh Phangan was, and always will be, Thailand. While it feels the most European of any Thai place I’ve been to, you still get all the great things about Thailand: A chill tempo, great weather, awesome pollution, good rice, burning garbage mounds, care-free existence, fatal traffic accidents, warm waters, and laissez-faire dialed up to the max.
What Koh Phangan is
Koh Phangan is a desirable tropical-island in the 21st century. This means $$$ tourism, population, growth, and development. Sandy passages have given way to paved roads, locals do their best to extract value from the gaggle of drunkards and foreigners, and money reigns supreme.
We all have our reasons for leaving our birthplaces. For many that is actually still war, and for me it is nothing more than just looking for somewhere with better food, weather, and cost of living. Though…
Property has been quickly snatched up by anyone with a 1st world wallet, indebting low-salary locals to exponential rents and extracting each possible penny from 3-day stay visitors.
It’s fully developed and electrified with awful waste management, and hosts many foreigners who love to complain about said waste management, expecting things in their tropical paradise to run to the same pedigree as their home nation.
It’s also quite beautiful with lush jungle, tall palm trees, and nice shallow sandy beaches. If you love outdoor sports you’ll probably be disappointed as there’s not much to do aside from a casual swim or jaunt to a waterfall, so better go elsewhere if you’re a nature sport nut. Otherwise, it’s a charming place with beautiful sights and weather!
The conscious fallacy
With roots as a hippie island with beachside raves and the true essence of freedom, it drew many ‘free spirits’.
Consciousness was, and always will be, a unique trend. After all – once the veil of reality is lifted and we see the actuality of crime, poverty, corruption, wealth, health, and a bogus system, we become unique people who are more in-tune with ourselves and the truth than others, right?
The truth is – I like sniffing my own farts too, but I’ve now been around too many self-indulgent fart breathers that it starts to grow weary.
“Detox your soul for a 9,999 baht energy exchange”
“Injest this toxic frog venom from halfway across this world to meet your shadow realm.”
“Drink this sacred hot chocolate and exhale as loudly as you can for a conscious contribution of 300thb!”
Seemingly unaware that they’re perpetuating exactly what they are escaping; commercial bastardisation to churn a profit – all at prices that no local could ever reasonably afford.
The sage doesn’t charge for his wisdom, the mystic shares his holy knowledge, and the prophet never claims he is.
Instead there are now countless Master Life Coaches who did their 2-day online training, and are ready to send you right to the 5th dimension to shadow box with divine entities, who, will rupture your pineal gland with a right hook.
I’ve genuinely met so many people get giga-fried from Ayahuasca trips – one literally getting lost in the jungle for 6 days, requiring a military search party and being assumed deceased before being found naked by some farmers, barely alive and totally fried.
Trust me, those DMT elves from mama-huasca are nothing to be considered lightly, and IMO playing with the fabric of consciousness itself is inherently risky – these sacred plants are insanely potent and most people are not equipped to time-warp so casually. If weed makes you paranoid, Eva, maybe dancing with 9D interdimensional divine snakes isn’t right for you yet.
People cutting off their lifelong friends who don’t resonate the same way anymore, dropping their stable income job to pursue a pyramid scheme selling Kangen water filters, or forgetting how to communicate like a normal human; forcing unnatural eye contact, speaking slowly as if they have a speech impediment, and holding their hand to their heart while connecting to and reading the aura of trees, who, frankly don’t care about them until they’re compost.
To be fair, I’ve also met a number of genuinely fantastic folks who see past the new-age Hocus Pocus and keep true to the roots of ritual or authentic oddness. They’re usually older than at least 23 years old, have been through a divorce, had a failed business or two, had kids, lost loved ones, or any other combination of genuinely difficult circumstances.
But, it has become hard to avoid the business coaches who’ve never ran a business or hired employees, the tantric wizards who swear they can heal any yoni they encounter (as long as they’re under 65kg and minimum a B-cup), or ethical vegan who imports their Amazonian nose tobacco and chocolate cacao from 17,600 km away, sourced right from the cartels.
Goddess, can you consciously lick my kundalini? Please, just the tip?
If spirituality and deepening your dimensional awareness is your current quest – maybe consider going somewhere a bit more authentic like Northern Nepal – you won’t get cuddle puddles or trauma space holding – but a dose of genuine mysticism. Just don’t trust any male tantric gurus – ~80% are just predators.
So, is Koh Phangan still worth visiting?
Depends what you’re there for! There are still lots of really great people, events, things to do, and sights to see, though it has certainly been diluted by an enormous margin.
Prices are about the same for accommodation (~30eur/night) as a modern European city at this point, and you’ll pay the standard ~8 euros a day for a scooter rental – about the same as a budget car rental in an off-season European tourist town.
Trust me, the businesses here did very well at extracting every baht from my wallet – even with how economical and savvy I am with spending. I got ripped off and had to suck it up very many times – what am I going to do, complain to the local police? Hah.
The food is alright – almost everything is imported and the quality is certainly lesser than anywhere mainland Thailand. This is still significantly better than most Western countries anyways and a typical fried rice dish is about 80-160thb (2,5-5eur).
Full Moon Party is actually just a glorified college shindig with boatloads of drunken youths experiencing an illusion of lawlessness for the first time.
Bali, Tulum, Koh Phangan, Goa, Mallorca, etc – is it all same same? Probably.
The vibe has certainly shifted in the last few years, from what oldheads and locals tell me. I didn’t particularly care for it and wish I did visit a decade back when advised. However, I am very glad I did visit to finally scratch that itch and know what it’s like! Not sure if I would return though.
Thanks for reading my ramblings! For more strange scriptures, check out some other articles on my site. Hope you have a cozy day and wholesome heart after all is said and done!
Nice writing.
-From another disfranchised cis male who escaped Canadistan